(this article is not fake, we assure you — if you don’t trust us, simply ‘google’ it & read about it in articles that are much less spectacular than this one…)

NOT FAIRBANKS — A man that has no apparent ties to Alaska, let alone to the Fairbanks area (or, for that matter, any of the northwestern United States, contiguous or not), was arrested outside of a bank in Naples, Florida on Friday (2/24) for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Mr. Mark Loescher-Presley, brother to the King & orangutans...

According to the Naples Daily News, sheriff’s deputies arrested 51-year-old Mark Loescher after a woman claimed he revealed a gun when she walked up to the vehicle he was occupying to alert him that it was smoking.

When deputies arrived, Loescher was still seated in his vehicle, along with another woman, who had apparently been in the front passenger seat since before the incident occurred.  Mr. Loescher was uncooperative when deputies ordered him out of the vehicle, and again when ordered to get off of his phone and to put his hands on the window.

Throughout the encounter, Mr. Loescher repeatedly told the deputies that, among other things, he was half-orangutan and needed to contact the ‘Fusion Center’ to inquire about his blood.  He also claimed to be the director of the C.I.A. and to be Elvis Presley’s brother.  Less impressive was his claim that “President Bush” was a good friend of his, and that they employed the same lawyer.

Attempts to contact the nearest fusion center, Naples Center for Interspeciel Blood Fusioning (N.C.I.B.F.), were unsuccessful.  However, Fairbanksirl was able to speak with local interspeciel-blood expert, Dr. Jonathan Cornelius, Ph.D., of Tanana Valley Blood Services, located at 909 Old Pioneer Way, off of College Road.

According to Dr. Cornelius, it is unlikely that Mr. Loescher’s blood is 50% orangutanian.  ”For him to literally have an interspeciel blood-ratio of the sort he’s claiming is extremely improbable, given the fact that orangutan blood doesn’t contain enough guanine to sustain a human being at such levels.”  He continued, “The largest percentage of orangutan blood, or that of any of the great apes, that the human physiology could tolerate is more like 30 or 35%.”

Abe, a regular donor & resident of T.V.B.S. since 2004 (Photo used by permission, courtesy of Dr. J. M. Cornelius)

Dr. Cornelius cautioned, though, that if Mr. Loescher did indeed have even at least a 30% ratio of orangutanian blood, he would need to stay in pretty regular contact with a fusion center, preferably the one that performed the initial fusion.  ”Walking around with that much primate blood requires vigilance in regard to knowing one’s own daily biological rhythms — he should most definitely keep in regular contact with his fusionologist, as this branch of hematology is still tricky, sometimes finding itself in uncharted territory.”

As for Mr. Loescher’s claims of being a Presley, occupying the post of ‘Director of the Central Intelligence Agency’, and being buddy-buddy with Mr. George W. Bush, well, we here at fairbanksirl feel that those claims are most likely false and don’t merit as much of our attention as interspeciel blood-mingling does — Stay tuned for more updates, as we plan to follow this story to its very end…

EDITOR’S NOTE: As of press time, we still had received no word as to what had caused Loescher’s vehicle to smoke.  Nor had we learned any information about the woman who was with him in his vehicle at the time, other than the aforementioned fact that she was a woman.  (Until more facts are brought to light, we can only speculate as to the purity of her blood and to the nature of her relationship with Mr. Loescher.)

"So what if he's got monkey blood?! That's not weird, heh - YOU'RE WEIRD! And it makes total sense that he didn't care about his car smoking - monkeys fear not the smoke, heh. And, by the way, heh, i hereby declare all-out newkyoolar war on you, dear reader!"

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