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POLICE BLOTTER: Fairbanks-ish, Alaska 

(arranged & considerately-summarized by constance billmeier)

“Hold it right there, you pathetic human! Schedule yourself a vasectomy this very instant or I’ll shoot!”

March 29th, 2012 — an unrepentant wife-assaulter/choker/shover who has a gift for smashing phones and gagging his beloved wife w/his hand, a girlfriend/father-assaulter who was angered that she wouldn’t go buy him cigarettes & angry at his pop for keeping him from further assaulting her, another kindly (3-time) girlfriend-assaulter who this time left his lady extremely bruised, bloody, & beaten (alcohol, surprisingly, was involved), a drunken driver who ‘just wanted to go home’ that had to be tased & sprayed into submission, and a drunken road-pisser that stopped in the middle of the road to mark his territory…..

March 28th, 2012 — a ‘Husband of the Year’ contender that enjoys punching walls, screaming at his wife mere inches from her face, restricting her movement by holding her ankles or sitting on her, and smearing his nose-blood all over her face, an angry mother choking her daughter’s boyfriend, a girlfriend-pusher that thinks himself to be the ‘text police’, a pot-head driver, and a wine-head driver…..

"How many roads must a monkey walk down before you call him a man? How many bananas must a monkey inhale before he can hardly stand? Yes, and how many times must the cannonballs fly before they're forever banned? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind."

March 23rd, 2012 — an experienced assaulter hits his neighbor & then yells about Allah, devils, cars, & servants, a tired, drunken dude that went to sleep on a gas station’s toilet with powdery drugs in his pocket, a drunk, cheapskate pot-head that refused to pay his cabbie $3.80 when he was dropped off at a strip joint at 5 a.m., and another pot-head that got his car stuck & was passed out inside, w/the engine running — he told the cops he was driving to get some ice cream because he had the ‘munchies’…..

March 22nd, 2012 — a young lady & her mother have a nice fight, complete w/picture frame-throwing & phone-grabbing, a kindly fellow who took his buddy to a couple of gas stations to get some booze, but all he got for thanks was a punch in the face, a gentleman punches his girlfriend & then blows a .233 even though he’s not supposed to be drinking any alcohol (besides it being against the conditions of his release from a prior crime, the lad is only 20 years old), an ‘obviously intoxicated’ fellow that caused an accident & fled the scene & called his wife to come pick him up, and a 19-year-old girl that drove drunkenly into a ditch & decided to drink some vodka while she was stuck there waiting…..

March 21st, 2012 — a fighty fellow that wants to fight everybody behind the gas station, including the cops, a boyfriend/girlfriend duo who love playing loud music at inconsiderate hours and assaulting those who complain about it, too many drunk drivers to mention here, one of which tested positive for coke, weed, depressants, & amphetamines, but no alcohol, and a bit of heating fuel theft in Healy…from the ice rink of all places…..

March 20th, 2012 — a boyfriend-slapper/text-arguer/wall phone-disabler/future fantastic mom and a woman who proves that you don’t have to be over the legal limit to be too drunk to non-sloppily operate a vehicle…..

March 19th, 2012 — mommy having to barricade the door to keep angry-daddy out, a woman gave a man some booze, then he ‘sucker punched’ her in the head, then she called the cops to say she lied about being punched, then she called back again and said that she was forced to falsely recant in that last call, another drunken girlfriend/boyfriend encounter, this time with the girlfriend boxing her boyfriend’s face, leaving him w/a chipped tooth & the beginnings of a black eye, some jerk going 80 mph in a 55 mph zone, drunk, of course, and then a reckless, unlicensed drunkard who blew a impressive (i.e., shameful) 0.291 on the breathalizer….. 

March 18th, 2012 — an ex-girlfriend receiving generous help from her ex-boyfriend eventually flips out on him for some non-reason & abuses the hell out of his truck & breaks his Oakleys, and a heroin addict steals several firearms from a firearm addict & sells them to future firearm/heroin addicts…..

March 17th, 2012 — one of the contenders for ‘boyfriend of the year’, upon hearing his girlfriend announce that she was leaving him, threw tampons & table salt at her before pinning her to the bed & smashing her phone, and a drunkard was unsuccessful in his attempt to buy more beer but quite successful in leading the cops to his doorstep, upon which he was swaying when he refused any sobriety tests…..

March 16th, 2012 — a drunken/depressive man demands dinner from his girlfriend, hits & chokes her, & then abuses her phone, some sisterly scratching & wood pile pushing-into, and, of course, a drunken driver (in this case, one who was so lit that he could barely retrieve his wallet from his pocket, let alone make a proper turn or avoid speeding)…..

March 13th, 2012 — face-assault via flying flashlight, 2nd-time boyfriend abuse, this time via coin-bottle-throwing & arm-biting, a custody-battle over a dog with a bit of neck & phone-grabbing, a brother-beating with salvation at a bingo-hall, a bad headlight brings about the seizure of some hash & herb, a cash-holding, gun-toting coke-pusher gets nabbed, w/a few pills as a bonus, a couple of drunken drivers (Fairbanks’ pride), & a numb-nuts who unsuccessfully fled from the fuzz….. 

March 9th, 2012 — a man celebrates earning his 4th DUI conviction after being found stuck in a ditch with a modest .254 blood-alcohol content, a woman that won’t be outdone by the above-mentioned 4-time-loser, coming in with a .281 blood-alcohol content when she was contacted in her ditch, a man earns his DUI by pretty much calling the cops on himself, an angry man damning God & school employees, as well as threatening them (the employees; not God), and an incident of phone abuse involving a wood stove…..

March 8th, 2012 – a sleep-intoxicated southsider who tries to keep his speed between 3 and 20 mph, give or take a few, and a university-loiterer who likes to have at least 2 rifles & one pistol with him when he sits in his car and drinks vodka in front of the Bunnell building (try the Wood Center next time, sir — they’re a little more forgiving of armed-drunkenness there, though only slightly)…..

March 7th, 2012 — a tok fellow released into fairbanks w/orders not to commit domestic violence chokes the mother of his child, a nice man who broke his gal’s nose & dragged her (by her foot) out of the apt., leaving her naked in the hall, and a couple of dudes helping to defend fairbanks’ title of being the ‘drunken driving capital of the world’…..

March 6th, 2012 – an assault on mom & son, some drunken snow-banking, drunken lane-drifting, a cooperative/uncooperative/cooperative/angry intoxicated fellow w/no booze on his breath, and a drunken taxi-backing-into…..

March 2nd, 2012 — three drunken girls, an arm-twisting sister-assaulter, a door-knocking face-puncher, a verbally-abusive & very jealous ex-wife whose knuckles are surely sore, & a considerate moose that was careful not to damage the vehicle that ended its life…..

February 29th, 2012 — a double, wainwright-flavored DUI in only one vehicle (!), a drunken, chatty junkyard-sleeper, girlfriend abuse via ice, canned mixed-drinks & head-punching, boyfriend abuse via scratchiness, a kind Delta fellow going on a spending spree w/an Alzheimer’s-stricken man’s credit card, and a methed-up dude from Salcha who stole his mom’s car, got it stuck in the driveway, accidentally locked himself out, broke the window w/a hammer, still couldn’t get the car unstuck, & then he fianlly went inside and told mommy what he did…..

February 24th, 2012 — coworker abuse w/the aid of a purse & high-heels (or maybe they were platforms?), mother abuse w/the aid of some stairs & a toaster oven, some face punching brought to light by a well-played piece of police strategy, & a vague bit about a burglary…..

February 23rd, 2012 — video game abuse, boyfriend abuse (via nut-grabbing, finger-biting & face-punching), ex-girlfriend abuse (via stair-throwing, soft food delivery & threat of interment), girlfriend abuse (via head-butting, street-dragging, choking & ground-slamming), a few D.U.I. arrests (w/a bit of vomiting on the Johansen), &, finally, a sloppy, drunken road-rager who didn’t hide from the cops with competence…..

February 22nd, 2012 — a serious contender for the prestigious and highly-competitive ‘Scumbag of the Year’ award, a would-be burglar, some drunken fort driving, and an unfortunate incident that could’ve easily been avoided with just a little bit of prudence & non-numb-nuttedness…..

February 18th, 2012 — a gatorade-craving drunk driver and an occupied car-entering/assaulty/key-grabbing/laptop-stealing/crazy-eyed car thief…..

February 17th, 2012 – hearty portions of theft, burglary, fraud, robbery and larceny braised in a cocaine/heroin sauce, wrapped in a whole grain tortilla, w/just a dash of assault & pepper for taste…..

February 16th, 2012 — a double-spitting w/a side of choke, a threat of draconian punishment for food disposal, an inept burglar, and a non-seatbelt/empty holster-wearing powder possessor…..

February 15th, 2012 — a loft ladder pull-off, a couple of burgling burglars, a sloppy & drunk snowmachine felon, a bindle-dropping false reporter, and the inconsiderate burning of grandma gifts mixed w/a head-slam…..

February 14th, 2012 — illegal shovel usage, self-defense through genital-grabbing, an admission of intoxication via text-message, and snowmachine sloppiness…..

February 11th, 2012 — hand biting, cereal throwing, drunken madness (a fbx specialty), and accidental injuries…..

February 9th, 2012 — assault w/a wall, some brotherly love, a crash w/a view,
a sleepy sex offender &, as always, rampant drunkenness (a fbx favorite)…..

February 8th, 2012 — punchiness, rampant drunkenness (a fbx favorite),
a taking of the 5th, and floor assault w/a deadly weapon…..

February 4th, 2012 — assault of a lamp w/a woman’s head, a lovers’ tiff over a phone payment, brotherly love, & a sticky-fingered deli gal stealing from freddy…..

All reports are from the Fairbanks Daily News Miner Public Safety Report. The Police Blotter is compiled from criminal complaints filed in state & federal courts, as well as from some police blotter info, trooper dispatches, fire dept. reports & interviews w/public safety officials…..INDIVIDUALS NAMED HEREIN AS BEING ARRESTED &/OR CHARGED W/CRIMES IN THIS REPORT ARE PRESUMED INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY IN A COURT OF LAW…..

 
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